Misconceptions women have about men and dating

The #1 misconception I’ve seen women believe, in regards to dating is that men like, “The Chase”.  No.They.Don’t.  Men see this game of cat and mouse exactly for what it is, a game.  Ladies, you aren’t some kind prize at a carnival.  The two sure-fire ways to start a relationship off on a rocky path are, #1 Lying and #2 Playing games.  Each of these sets the tone for the entire relationship.

Now, I’m not saying offer him everything you have to give on the first date, a little mystery and suspense is sexy.  You don’t have to play games for him to desire you.  If he’s into you, he’s into you.  Allow things to happen naturally.  Don’t force anything and certainly don’t play some high school game with him in order to make yourself feel desired.  And let’s be honest, this entire idea of “He likes the chase” is something we as women tell ourselves because when men chase after us and jump through hoops to be with us, this makes us feel desired.  When we feel desired it boosts our self-worth, yet it leaves him exhausted, annoyed and often times confused.

Buying into this idea that men enjoy chasing you only sends mixed signals to men and you will often miss out on a great experience because you’re so caught up in watching a man try to earn a gold medal in the dating Olympics.  Even cats get tired of batting around a mouse they’ve spent all afternoon hunting.

Misconception #2.  Men are afraid of commitment.  Being afraid of commitment isn’t exclusive to either sex.  When we are talking about men and commitment, what I touched on in misconception #1, game playing, ties into this.

Society, culture, Hollywood and modern-day Feminism all feed women this false narrative that because we are women we are prizes to be won.  The only way you can win a prize is by playing a game. When it comes to dating, men don’t like games.  Games make you feel as though you’re being led on and you lose interest quickly.  This isn’t fear of commitment, it’s simply self-preservation and being proactive with your emotional health.

When it comes to men and marriage, you have to also take into consideration our current culture where men aren’t really valued when it comes to raising children and being part of a familial unit.  When men enter into a legally binding marriage, they’re risking a lot.  If there are children, men are hardly ever granted true 50/50 custody.  Divorced men with children are routinely denied equal access to their children, yet are expected to be equally financially responsible for the very children he is denied equal access to.  A research study conducted by Reuters found that of the 400,000-500,000 people in the US who are granted alimony after a divorce, 97% are women and only 3% of men are granted alimony.  Yet 40% of US households are headed by female breadwinners. http://www.reuters.com/article/us-divorce-alimony-men-idUSBRE9BN0AW20131224  Our society has basically reduced men down to their financial standings.  The more money they have, the more useful they are.

Men aren’t afraid of commitment.  Much like women, men are concerned with self-preservation and doing what is beneficial to themselves.  It would do us ALL some good if we were proactive in weighing the good and the bad before we dive head first into something.

Misconception #3.  Men don’t like emotional women.  Men like women who are feminine.  Part of being feminine is being nurturing.  Women have a biological predisposition to be nurturing and caring, AKA emotional.  Men have a biological predisposition to seek out women who display these characteristics. What men don’t like is over dramatic women who do crazy things.  Crying and freezing him out because he doesn’t like your new haircut and he was honest about it, is being over dramatic.  Over dramatic hysterics are not equal to being emotional.

Men who have little tolerance for dramatics are often mislabeled as misogynistic.  They’re labeled as men who are too masculine and unfeeling (remember the ridiculous #toxicmasculinity hastag)?  When in reality, this couldn’t be further from the truth.  These are the men you WANT to date.  They are men who truly view women as their equals.  These are the men who won’t pander to or infantilize women, simply because you posses a vagina.  These are the men who won’t treat you as if you’re a delicate flower who can’t handle honesty.  These are the men who truly value strong, independent women.  When a man sees you as strong and independent, he sees you as his equal.

Misconception #4.  Men are ridiculously shallow and only seek out perfection.  First let me say this.  Everyone on the face of the earth is shallow in one way or another.  We all have expectations when it comes to our love interests, whether it is physical expectations, emotional expectations or professional success expectations.  No one should be shamed for their preferences and expectations.  No on has an obligation to be attracted to anyone else.

Our ideas of “perfection” are forever changing.  When a man is 18, it’s likely that his ideal perfect woman is a super model who gives blow jobs on demand with the enthusiasm of a varsity cheerleader.  Both men and women,  as we age we realize that there’s much more to each other than beauty and sex.  You have to actually be able to tolerate someone you spend so much time around, so you find value in things like intelligence, common interests, personality and work ethic (ambition).

Perfection is intimidating.  Not many people seek it out.  Not only does it not exist but if you happen to find perfection, you’re likely going to be intimidated by it and feel as though you don’t add up.  Entering into a relationship with your self-worth in the shitter isn’t going to lead to good things.  Essentially you are just setting yourself up for failure if you seek perfection in others.  Guess what?  The vast majority of men realize this. The vast majority of men don’t expect or even want perfection.  Men are not rabid, sex crazed animals incapable of rational thought.  Relationships are give and take, you take the good with the bad.  Of course there are some people out there who try to hold out hope.  This isn’t gender specific.  You will find that both men and women who seek out perfection in others are forever restless because they never stop seeking out their “unicorn”. These people are never truly happy.  They spend their lives in and out of relationships, often destroying their relationships and sabotaging their own happiness because they are on the hunt for something that doesn’t exist.  If they happen upon that mythological creature they almost always feel insecure.  That perfection they sought is just as restless and continually hunts for their own unicorn… and 9 times out of 10, you aren’t it.

Women and men aren’t that different when it comes to relationships.  We want a lot of the same things.  Stop with the misconceptions, they don’t help anyone.  When you buy into false narratives you just end up fucking things up for yourself and missing out on great people.

In the comments feel free to add your own misconceptions about men and dating.  I’d love to hear them.


You have such a pretty face…


You.Have.Such.A.Pretty.Face…The words that inspired this entire blog.

These words haunt the shit out of me.  All of us big girls have heard these words at some point.  Most people mean it as some type of compliment, a few use it as a way to knock us fatties down a peg if we dare posses a near healthy self-esteem (How dare we actually like ourselves, right?)  What kills me about this back-handed compliment is the sheer surprise in someone’s voice when they say it.  They utter these words as if they never knew a fat person could be remotely attractive and suddenly they feel conflicted.  Evidently  attractive fat girls are like unicorns who eat babies.  So pretty, so rare, yet so awful.

I remember talking to this guy from Plenty of Fish (online dating site that is basically the equivalent of any bar at 2AM).  We chatted back and forth for a few days, I eventually gave him my cell number so we could text.  Then he says it, “You’re so pretty for a plus sized girl”…Now, this guy truly believed he was paying me a compliment…I ended up responding with something completely bitchy and probably over-reactive, telling him that I’m pretty for any type of girl and giving him a “pro-tip”, that if he’s going to compliment someone just leave it at that, don’t throw in a “but” or “for a”, or anything similar.  A simple, “You’re pretty” will suffice, the rest of the damn sentence isn’t necessary.  Needless to say, we never went out and never spoke again.

Then there was another guy from Plenty of Fish.   He asked if he could add me to snap chat. Sure, no problem.  He asked if I would send him a current picture (even though all the pictures on my dating profile are current).  Again, sure.  Told me he thought I was “So beautiful”.  We chit-chat, then he tells me he’s not looking for anything serious, just a fuck-buddy.  That isn’t really my thing, so I let him know that I’m looking for more and I wish him luck on his journey to find a fuck-buddy.  Welp, I suppose he wasn’t use to rejection *GASP* and rejection from a fat girl at that.  Evidently I shattered his fragile ego into a million pieces with my fat-girl rejection.  He then went on to tell me how “Big girls aren’t my thing but I was actually going to give you a shot because you’re pretty”.  As if I should be grateful that this choad was throwing me some kind of bone.  Like I should be ever so thankful that he is lowering his standards to feign interest in a girl like me.  So I had to let him know that even if I were down to fuck, I could never lower my standards to such a degree that would allow me to fuck him.  Funny, he continued trying to contact me for about 2 months.  Also funny that I never, ever responded to any of his messages.  I take solace in the fact that he probably sat on his couch binge watching The Fast and the Furious franchise, completely shaken that a fat girl had the audacity to reject him.

Ladies, don’t allow others to make you feel badly about yourself.  Don’t allow others to define you.  Don’t allow anyone to try and force you into some box that you don’t belong in.  If you’re happy with you, that’s truly all that matters.  If you aren’t happy, then do something about it but don’t allow other people to diminish your happiness or to hack away at your self esteem because you are not their idea of beauty.

Oh and the next time someone says, “You have such a pretty…” cut them off before they can add anything else to the fucking sentence, then thank them for their compliment.  😉